Ask DrMading

Sex Talk with Dr Mading Wa – You, Porn and your partner

Mbembe Kiri! Happy friday to you. Today I want to talk about something that has been cause of many heated discussions between couples: Porn. Some ladies complain when men watch porn while they’re in a relationship, and some women never admit to men that they watch porn. Overall, watching porn in the African context is seen as a deviant act. I’m not here to tell you what to do or not to do about it, I’m just here to make sure that you make the most informed decisions when it comes to blaming your partner if he or she watches porn.

If it’s not an addiction, you’re fine.

Yes, porn addiction is real. It exists. And it’s here to stay. Note that an addiction (regardless if it’s porn or not) is a practice that obstruct you from having a productive lifestyle. For example, if you can’t spend more than a minute without looking, touching, or interacting with your phone: you’re addicted to it. Why? because no one can have a productive lifestyle if they’re constantly on their phone. Now you can substitute phone in this example with porn, weed, cocaine, sex and the list goes on. If your partner is not addicted to porn, and only watches it maybe once a month or maybe twice a week. You’re fine. The thing you have to do is ask the right questions.

Dialogue is key.

“What is it about porn that you like?”, “who’s your favourite actress/actor? and why?” In reality, people who are judgemental about porn are sometimes very prude and insure about their sex acumen. There’s nothing wrong about it. Just that if you ask your partner about the porn genre that he/she likes, it will help you understand some of their fantasies, and maybe even help you improve your sex life. Think about it this way, if your partner shares her/his tastes with you, you can either try it or say no. But either way you win because you’re probably the only other person who has ever asked him about his fetishes or even cared enough to ask.

Don’t be scared. It’s not real.

Porn can actually be scary: the ranges of styles, genre, actors and practices are pretty crazy at times. But remember one thing, it’s all an act. Porn is acting. It’s not real. Just like the horror movies you watch, porn is not real. Let’s be honest, who do you know has sex for a whole hour without being in pain? Who starts moaning on contact? Real world sex is different than porn. With that in mind, don’t look away from the screen, make silly jokes about it (works well for horror movies too) or point out the obvious “How is she not breaking her back?” shake off your anxiety by finding a silly way to distract you from it.

Real world sex wins.

At the end of the day, I invite you to watch porn with your partner. You might learn a thing or two about what they really like or don’t like. And most of all, it might be a great opportunity for you to voice your likes and dislikes as well. Who knows? A porn scene might be a gateway for you to ask your partner to do something that you like that you were previously scared or ashamed to voice. In reality, if they’re watching porn it might be because they’re afraid to ask about a specific sexual position or practice because they don’t want to be judged by you. At the same time, if you’re in a relationship with someone I hope you’d take the time to ask all these questions to avoid frustration. Partners often cheat because of sexual frustration at home. Ladies, remember that Usher song “Yeah”? he said “A lady in the streets but a freak in the bed”. Be that, a lady and freak but a freak to your man. Same things to you gentlemen, the key to a happy home is a romantically and sexually satisfied woman.

The bottom line is this, whether you happen to watch porn with your partner or not, make sure to remind him/her what the real thing feels like. There’s nothing better.

 

Bi’Bale!

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